Let me know if Im sounding too harsh. My question to all the peoplesmens and womens that is job and money is the only thing? The simple answer is "yes," there is a direct link between unemployment and a higher risk of divorce, especially when the husband is unemployed. I am in the same position as you, I really just want our old lives back, where my husband takes care of all the bills and I feel loved and financially secure. At one point he was starting a business and I went to his therapist with him (thank God hed agreed to see one.) I love my Lord and want to make him proud but Im unhappy and tired. Unemployed men: how female partners suffer. On top of it, he has become a mean, nasty, verbally abusive man. When havent I been? There were rejections, interviews, and even jobs-in-hand that folded at the last minute thanks to the tanking economy. I really need to retire but now I cant because everyone here depends on my paycheck and my benefits. Hell survivehes not a child. I dont think things are ever.going to change. From the sounds of it, youre young and have the time to learn a new field. You are not alone. Coping When Your Spouse is Unemployed Why? I told him this the same day that August 1 was my last day and this gives him six months to find a job. Without first finding Another. Hi Janet, i think your boyfriend and mine are cut from the same cloth, mine hates going out too!!! My fiance.. Has been unemployed for 3 and half years.. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. So I keep asking, what did we, as women really gain? Thank god I like my job. Some of the best . MY DH does some housework but very very slowly so he thinks he does a lot. Somehow I feel like I have disappeared in his issues and that I could fall flat on my face on his watch without notice. I work in retail and yeah, the job sucks but I do what I have to do. I know that he is bad for me and I know that he should have been out of my life a long time ago, part of me is worried about him being ok which is stupid, but I cant seem to stop that. Every vacation in the last 4 months has been renigged because of illnesses and finance issues. My live-in boyfriend has been unemployed for two years, so I totally understand where many of you are coming from. Im tired. Hes doing neither of the last two, but expects me to pay for his counseling. The "My Husband Won't Do Half the Housework" Fallacy My heart was totally broken that night. He has damaged a lot of my belongings over the years. Ive stayed with her even though she cheated for the first few months of our relationship, I put myself in debt to help clear HER debt, had to put my education and goals on hold, so that I can work full time to support both of us. He was very nice and very attentive to me and always called me beautiful and brought me little gifts. Is your husbands role in their lives good for them, on balance? Its always that hes either under qualified, or overqualified. Now that hes started though, its like he is so beyond stressed out. In the aggregate model for wives' housework hours, wives spent an average of 1.3 fewer hours (p < .01) per week in housework when their husband was unemployed than when he was employed, but they spent an average of 6.4 hours more per week (p < .001) in housework when they were unemployed than when they were employed. He is a handyman and I do thankhim for that but financial support is needed as well. Stop destroying your family. It hurts your pride, your heart, your marriage. He sleeps on the couch most nights, is overall pretty disinterested in sex so I dont even get that and theres no money for us to go out, getting a babysitter and allso the only one who ever gets to go out is him. If you live with someone who IS making this effort but you REFUSE to see it, and you refuse to accept that good paying jobs dont grow on trees, and that there is discrimination our therethen this thread isnt for you. However, I noticed that after I set firm rules about things I will and wont accept, he started to take responsibility for various things. Did i mention i have to pay for its instalment, the insurance and gas? Some people think that to get these figures on unemployment, the government uses the number of people collecting unemployment insurance (UI) benefits under state or federal government programs. In what Greenstein (2000) described as This desire to emotionally protect their husbands was expressed by multiple women, including Sandy who would call her husband daily while driving home from work. Luckily her surgery was covered by her work insurance. To her husband, she was extremely supportive and tactful. He can do his own laundry, sort his own food and pick up his own shit. I pleaded for discussion. Thats what i believe. My salary will barely cover expenses. David, I think for most women with long-term unemployed spouses its not about being money-grubbing at all. A few months before i went back to work after having my son, all his money was gone and he had no job. Get outside in the fresh air, ride a bike, enjoy a picnic; plan a time where you agree to put aside job worries and focus only on having fun. The most annoying thing is when he s got some money, he spend it on expensive wines.I am loosing the will to live. Im not even dating my bf anymore but still supporting him. Ive supported us in every way the whole time. Am I being mean or rude? Since I loved him, I bought him a car and paid off his ticket and got his license renewed. There is no sign of marriage or kids, so I am in limbo. Im not sure what Ill do if he is unable to. He hasn't even applied for a job in probably 5 years. My husband wont even help me do my job, Im self employed, to contribute. Practice Management Software for Therapists, Rules and Ethics of Online Therapy for Therapists, How to Send Appointment Reminders that Work, https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html, https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html, https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html, https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Lmfao he has no friends, no money, hes too proud to go back to his parents. I asked him to move out but he says he doesnt have to leave because hes on the lease and brags that legally I cant throw him out. And he is very forgetfully. I feel for the people commenting here, I am currently in a similar situation. Thank you for the truth! Im on the verge of crying all day and when I tell him Im stressed, somehow he is more stressed because he has to listen to me complain when hes trying to find a decent job . I also dropped out of school so I can make x amount to support us and support making our movie. He wont look for work or try to get a job, we r still living with friends like we r teenagers, as if he could careless, knowing that like always, somehow someway i will fix our problems n i cant with out the help of another income this time. This is no excuse (unless he is sick)for him not to get job and rely on you. There is a lot of man bashing on here. The last job I had is in a contact center which is very strict in metrics, I wasnt able to pass the training. But first, let me say that what youre describing is infuriating and unfair. I am very sad and dont know what to do with him. I turn to drink at times and thats when we have awful screaming fights born of massive frustration and unhappiness. This is what happened when my husband wouldn't do the dishes Your husband, like some of the others talked about here, is not just suffering a temporary difficulty finding work. When I reacted to all of this and basically had a break down, he consoled me and treated me as though we were together. DEAR ANONYMOUS 2: You switch assignments to give him things he can't function without. I also still have to do my role of taking care of home and family despite him not doing his role as provider. Many people placed the blame squarely on me when I didnt get an offer and had little regard for the amount of competition I was up against and the incompetence of the people who couldnt see the value I could bring to their organizations although some of them could see it but were threatened by it. Thank you for your comment. The stress of it though has taken its toll on me. He does next to nothing around the house (hell occasionally cook and/or clean if the mood strikes him) and other people are expected to step in and pay his bills because he doesnt work (wont even get a part time job) and lives on a fixed income. But of course no luck and I guess he got very discouraged. There a are about 10 unfinished construction projects at my house .. All torn apart and never finished. Same as your situation, we moved to a totally new city (and country) because of my family situation and my husband hasnt landed on a permanent job for quite a long time and that got him depressed even he didnt admit it at all. I loved my work and then I was injured in a way that prevents me from working. So dont give me that oh, be patient, hes having a rough time, he was abused when he was a child, blah blah blah Well you know what I say, so what. I am not going to waste what life I have left on this planet to support some mooching con artist. If I kick him out I know he has no where to go, but Im sick of supporting someone who not only doesnt try to better themselves but doesnt appreciate how hard I work to take care of my family. The problem is I never agreed to be the only financial provider. I'm okay with being the primary earner, but it is only fair that if I am, we at the very least split the household tasks 50/50, if not him doing them altogether. Oh yeah, Ive GOT a job but im the one looking in the ads so maybe I can get a better paying job and GET THE HELL out the house. :(. Of course he was so sorry and mortified over what he had done. So he has started smoking weed to cope. My husband has been busting his a$$ for nearly 2 years now and gets nothing but rejection letters, but Im behind him 1000%. I feel like he cant think outside of the box in terms of job search. Not to mention he was the one I chose to give my V-card too. I hope that you are in a better place now, physically, emotionally, or relational, either with or without him. He sits at home all day drinking beer. However the partners I have been with had a different mentality- earn a dollar, spend a dollar. Almost daily his depression and frustration is taken out on me the days we dont fight, hes too high or drunk to care to fight. You should probably have a read of this: Why does he do that? Its like shes given up on herself. Well in short I got a job 4 days a week and got lodgers and got my life back. By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. Ive already used all my savings and financial aid to help with bills and groceries, and other misc. One thing for sure..I will receive no medals for my efforts to try and make this marriage work. Eats all my food and i LITERALLY have to share everything with him! My husband gets nearly everything he wants. I think that is part of the problem, we feel so alone as I imagine, like myself, no one else you actually know is going through a similar situation. Staying in rented apartment. I still work full time! tl;dr: Husband is unemployed and doesn't do any housework, possibly has depression he won't seek help for. Before we met and got together, he was apparently a very hard worker with a great job. 5 Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Help Around The House - YourTango You can't change a narcissist and you should never marry one. Its not your problem if he has no where to go. And if you dont feel pressured to do it, is this stuff really all that important? My boyfriend and me have been together a little over a year. My point isif a man is out of work and continues to be, for whatever reason, he SHOULD be playing the part of homemaker, caretaker in that time period. Imagine being with a partner who has been self-employed for close to 20 years and now either because of wanting to supplement their income or because their business is failing they need to return to the general workforce. Finding this site and reading these comments is really helping me. In the winter when there was no work , he took to his room, the computer and would hide from the cold.. this has gone every winter for 16 years easy,. Be supportive, your husband will come through as he always doesbut each day that goes by and he needs money to even get to interviews? The impact of male unemployement affects female partners too.Fairfax. Im right there with u sister : ( My husband was either under employed or un employed by choice most of our 25 years together. Have you even read these comments? ETC. Its not about money. So I am trapped in this situation where he will never ever be happy. Emotional labor is a habit that is practiced rather than the result of a persons personality or some sort of character trait, Poss said. I feel like an idiot, I am smart I swear, I just dont seem to know how to get out of this. The rest of the time he is playing video games, laying in bed, hanging out with his friends.. basically do whatever he wants. I have to stay strong for myself nowIve decided that to survive, I have to try to look after myself as best as I can. Knowing that the pressure was on and not wanting to put that on her, I succeeded in finding higher and higher paying jobs to cover for her loss. Can u sell something uv never seen thats in Ghana which is another country that belongs to someone uv only talked to over the phone, to a guy sitting in US/UK/China or South Africa that is as flippin broke as u? Dear Pay Dirt, My husband of 16 years has been under- or unemployed for more than six years. 4. I want to watch tv to escape. The strongest of MEN would crumble under the weight of responsibity borne by the least of us. The truth is that there are no easy answers or decisions, but as a man, and as someone who has lived through both physical and sexual abuse, I would offer this; you are not alone. I am 36 and I know I dont want kids but I feel so tired all the time. Kick his lazy ass to the curb! I can give advice but its also hard for me to follow these rules know thyself In some cases the opportunity is legit, but comes along at an inopportune time such as when someone has a relative who is dying, has died or is seconds/minutes away from death. Youre youngyoull meet the right person eventually. I then changed jobs to a more stressful job for reasons of money and to help a friend with cancer. I have always handed over every penny I have worked for and he still only pays the bills when he really has too. ), Dont assume that your partner should just get it. Tell them its bothering you, Smith said. I felt so alone and Im not the most sociable person on the planet anyway. even i have given up hope of finding someone because men expect women to be working now. one year married. Am I not looking at it from your perspective? Even some of his debt is in my name. They disconnected. We are now married (and both employed), and while we obviously recovered from that moment, I wish I could say that weve figured out how to divide chores equally and happily. I have nothing in savings and bills coming up in 4 months that I have to pay but it doesnt seem she is interested in getting a study job. My Husband/Wife Refuses To Work - What Should I Do? - A Conscious Rethink So, I am working two jobs, and trying to keep us afloat on $37,000 a year. He has been fired or laid off of every job. Having to quit activities coz u cant spare the money even tho u work like Demon. When My DH looks after my kids when I need to work, he just give them junk food and let them pay TV games whole day. Some of these posts are a yr or two old so i dont know if anyone will read this. Now that we own a house, the house is not big enough, its not warm enough, its not laid out the way he wants. Actress Zazie Beetz studied abroad in Paris when she was 20 and was back to see the knits at the Chlo show. When i bring up debt he blames me even though the $6000 i am once again in debt isnt because i bought frivalous things. Been with my boyfriend for 5 years now were planning on getting married but I cant even imagine how hell be afterwards. Aside from the financial burden unemployment places on a household, a spouse who continues to work faces his or her own issues in dealing with a displaced, depressed family breadwinner. Yes after all this I an praying for a breakthrough from God. More than anything, I am so so so tired. even when those male partners do not work at all, Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. It is long overdue. I hope when he is done with college.. Hell understand that not every one gets a job in the area of study. One job for 6 months, and another job for another 6 months from which he recently got fired in April. Youre situation is different because it isnt your fault that you were injured and you seem to be doing all you possibly can to help yourself. Wow, thought I was alone, so sick and frustrated that I went online seeking some direction. Why did you fall for him? When a person works a full-time job and their partner does not - Quora We then decided to add a building but there has to be land preparation for that. ", While it's not clear if Tamara's husband agreed, he gave credit where it was due. Its been non stop complaints of how tired he is from having to wake up to take me to work and then pick me up later. Here are a few practical suggestions: 1. He lives with anxiety and depression and is unable to work, despite several attempts over the years. We have now been here 7 months. Should I leave or stay with him ? I still want a true job. Im not in a position financially to throw $250 away in counseling without him making effort at the other requirements. I had to finally take a stand and stop. Ive been selling things. I also recently recovered (along with my baby) from a opioid dependency due to the pain medications administered to me during the several months I was hospitalized while pregnant, which was a horrible experience for both baby and I. He is actively looking it seems. Consider mowing the lawn yourself. Not a lot to ask for, sounds like this guy came with a lot of drama, and does not want to be a man or he thinks he is something so special that he can get his ass fired from 7 employers. im seeing a disturbing pattern here. You already know what to do. I can barely be in the same room with him without becoming uncontrollably angry. I am in the exact same situation. It can get much worse. He has been on interviews, but has received no job offers. Not one of us is promised another day. I really feel like I have failed in life and for my son. Babies? Those 9 combined months of him working. there was an obvious change in his demeanor like he felt he had a purpose. Go to new job and immediately started accusing me of having an affair, wanting a divorce, not wanting a divorce. Who feels for us ladies that are trying to make ends meet it is good life if you dont weaken. My husband used to make 6 figures. Once I get up in the morning , I am busy at preparing my kids and my self Breakfast and lunch. I have found job after job. I just dont know what to do anymore. Try doing that and having no time to yourself because suddenly they are there all. We are both stuck )))))o: Any advice would be welcome. Im in a similar position (except Im the woman bearing the financial burden) and I think its wrong regardless. If just the other person would have the Great news of getting the job that could bring in extra moneythen our lives would be fine. I feel bad for both the unemployed and the one supporting the unemployed. The new cars are now sitting in a parking lot in our apartment complex-costing us about $1,000 per month to sit in a parking lot, as I dont need mine to get to work, and he never leaves the house except for an occasional grocery pick up or doctors appointment. You . Its putting a strain on our relationship and I try to be encourging and supportive and do what I can at home and take care of our son but he still seems to be pulling away. His excuse? The days ahead arent going to be simple. 1. I didnt have a problem with her leaving that job at the time That was September 2012. I hope that you feel better. One potential solution to this is to pinpoint a few specific chores that you want to offload permanently and/or ask him if theres anything hed be willing to take ownership of. 15 Signs Your Partner Isn't Contributing Their Fair Share To Your Sometimes people think he who earns the most should have to do the least chores.. I know exactly how you feel. I probably need to see a therapist. I hate to see what this has done to him. Method: Fixed effects models were applied to estimate the associations of unemployment with both partners' total, neutral, female-typed, and male-typed housework hours. Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. When Your Husband Doesn't Help With Anything, Do This - A Conscious Rethink If they can not find a senior job/white collar work, they are insulted. In the mean time i feel in love with a girl and we were in relationship the girl dont have any hearing problem or something. When I try to encourage him to change his strategy, he says he knows what he is doing. He refuses to go.) $30,000? This is the worse realtionship Ive ever been in! Good luck to all the other partners out there dealing with the same situation. My wife continues to work FT, ironically, as an Employment Counsellor at a local college. I believe you have already talked to your boyfriend many times how you feel and what you expect from him. He ran out his unemployment benefits n @1st looked for work but slowly the looking came to a halt. Keep up a daily practice however much as could reasonably be expected. I am worried that I soon wont be able to pay the internet bill. I remember one night I came back from work, totally exhausted while dealing with the two active pre-schoolers. all of these stories are written by WOMEN. His mom has money, and he can grovel to her as much as he wants for all I care. My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years now. You can ditch your "tried broaching the subject" tactic and communicate better with your husband: "Maybe this is right for our family, but it really bothers me that I . Immediately before the wedding, he got fired from his stupid measly job. Then she said she had originally planned to go to the bank in person instead, but felt a migraine coming on so wasnt going to do that either. I think shes dissatisfied with the situation and shes pissed off and angry and snapping all the time, and were having a hard time with money. So before any of that happens if I leave he may be able to find a roommate or petition his financial aid.